January Sucked.

The week or so following the first date were not so hot ones for me.

I fell into the after holiday depression that I always experience.  Coupled with the just started dating stress and I was in a state.  For at least three weeks, I was miserable.  I wrote about much of that pain.  I’ve dealt with depression for years.  And trust me when I say it sucks.  Out loud.  I tend to want to hide during that time, and usually turn to food and sex to help with the pain.  Not healthy no, but I’ve tried to stop beating myself up about it.  Since I’ve been trying to watch my weight and had just started dating someone, I had to sit with my feelings with no way to numb them.  So I suppose for the first time in years, I took the healthy approach and just waited for it to lift.  It started to get better around February 1st.  It’s much better now.

As for Adam.

The stress of starting to date someone is not fun at all.  I have watched hundreds of romantic comedies and it’s stunning to know how much in truth they are based.  How soon can I call?  Can I text?  Should I wait three days?  Should I wait for him to call?  How quickly should I ask for a second date?  A third date?  A fourth date?  How can I tell if he’s really interested in me rather than just the sex?  Is he going on dates with me then heading off to the movies?  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Couple that with the depression and I was a mess.  I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide.  To make matters worse I had no one to talk to about all of this.  My roommate reads Maddog and never once mentioned anything I was writing about.  Even though I was pretty clear about how depressed I was.  When I tried to talk to him about it, he more or less told me to get over it.  At least I was dating someone.  My friend Michelle had her own stuff to deal with.  I tried to talk to a couple of other people and that didn’t work either.  So I ended up dealing with it on my own.  Sometimes I wonder how I managed without going crazy.

As I said around February 1st this all lifted.  I think it was a two part situation.  The depression always starts to lift after about a month.  And Adam and I had a long talk about the future of our relationship.  We both admitted that we weren’t seeing other people nor were we having sex with anyone else.  Adam insisted at this point that he didn’t want to rush things and that he didn’t want to fall into the situation where we had to see each other everyday.  He was interested in me, but was not sure he wanted to get into a serious relationship.

Tune in tomorrow and I’ll explain why.

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